


Things that may never change

by EdamamiTomoe



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Depression, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Graphic Description, Suicide Attempt, Trans Yazawa Nico, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 18:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12216354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdamamiTomoe/pseuds/EdamamiTomoe
Summary: Nico lost something precious to her, and dysphoria once again inundated her.





	Things that may never change

Nico wish she knew how to grieve better, but she’d gotten so used to simply holding everything in that she just couldn’t shed a single tear. She had to be a strong big sibling, a role model upperclassman, an example-setting idol, there was no room for expressing her own emotions. It’s been so long since she’d simply let her emotions flow outwardly, that it seemed so lost to her now.

But keeping it all inside… it just hurt so much. Her heart ached inside her frozen chest, and it was absolutely unbearable. So much so that Nico couldn’t simply just fall asleep and forget about it, and feel better when she woke up, but all she could do was simply curl up in bed, hugging into her pillow. Wishing she would stop imagining it as the girl who left her for someone else.

She had always been afraid it might actually happen someday, that her girlfriend might have gotten bored of her. They had been together for so long, and for so long she had always been consoled on her… differences. It had taken so much work for Nico to actually feel like she meant something to her girlfriend, that she really was a vital part of her life, that she could truly overlook her physical obstacles. But in the end, Nico wasn’t a real girl, was she? She couldn’t blame her girlfriend for wanting the gentle caress of an actual girl.

It just wasn’t something Nico could ever become. She had been working on it for years, first with clothing, then with clothing, mannerisms, voice, and even pills. But in the end, nothing could change what she had between her legs, what her chromosomes were, who she was born as. She wasn’t ever going to be someone her girlfriend could have truly ever felt comfortable with, no matter how much Nico loved her.

Nico hated her body so much for this. She could have been born happy, and yet she was stuck like this. With such a hideous, boyish frame, with such thin hips, a penis instead of a vagina, a freakish form, a deformed body. If she wasn’t so depressed, and unable to will herself to get up, she would have already taken a knife to her own body, and carved away anything she didn’t wanted, cutting away every rough angle and edges, chopping off whatever parts she didn’t want. Maybe then, she might actually be beautiful, she might actually be a real girl.

Just how long had her girlfriend been lying to her? How long had she pretended to like her, to tolerate her body? And yet, all that affection they’ve had for each other, all the nights they’ve spent together… No, she couldn’t have been pretending. She was just playing her. She was just toying with a male body, mocking it, using her as she pleased, and tossing her away when she was done. And sleep with a real woman when she was done. Nico should have known she was being played, and maybe she did know, she just pretended not to. She just pretended like their relationship was actually loving and wonderful, and that they were going to have a future together.

What was she going to do now? Distract herself? Go back online? Play video games? Study? Sing? None of those seemed appealing to her. Nico used to take so much joy out of these things, but now nothing seemed to be worth her time. Not that she was doing anything with her time anyways. Every moment she spent alive was just another moment wasting someone else’s time, wasting someone else’s money. It would be so much better to just be… gone.

The Muses, her friends… they wouldn’t care if she were gone. They never really did need her help, did they? They would be just fine without her. It wasn’t like she had done anything for them anyways, they have no reason to care about her, or even think about her. In fact, they probably don’t at all. And Nico couldn’t blame them. She wasn’t a real idol anyways, she can’t be, not when she’s such a freak of nature like this. It would probably be better for the Muses if she were gone. For everyone, really. Nico had nowhere else to be anyways.

Yeah, that sounded like a good idea.

The only hard thing about it was finding a good time to head up to the roof, a time when she would be alone, when no one would see her, when she could have the last moments to herself. The last moments gazing over the school, taking in the scenery overlooking the town. It really was a beautiful place, and it’d treated everyone well. Now, if Nico were gone, it really would be a better place…

“Stop.”

That was Maki’s voice. She must have heard or seen something. Nico was hoping she might be able to go quietly, but with someone around, that wasn’t going to be easy. She hoped she wasn’t about to be put through therapy or anything, that would just be a hassle, and a waste.

“Nico, please don’t.” Maki’s voice came closer along with her footsteps, until she was standing right behind her. And then, her arms came around her waist, and pulled her into the underclassman’s embrace. Her voice was soft, and full of concern, as she said, “I… I found out what happened. Please, don’t go, Nico.”

Nico didn’t say anything. She didn’t know what to say. Her thoughts simply wouldn’t focus, and no words came to her. She simply felt too numb to respond, or even move. 

“It’s… It sucks, it really does. And I really wish she hadn’t done anything so… ugh, so awful, so cruel.” Though her voice was calm just a moment ago, Maki sounded like she was quickly becoming emotional. Nico wondered why. “You deserve so much better, Nico. You’ve done so much for us, you’ve gave so much of yourself away, and to be treated like garbage… it’s just not fair. It’s not fair to you. But please, don’t… don’t leave.

“I should have… um, I really should have been more open with my feelings with you. It’s… I um, I should have realized. Just the amount of shit you’re being put through, the insurmountable hardships you must have endured. A word of thanks, or even just… I dunno, saying ‘thank you’ or something, to show my appreciation. For everything you’ve done for me. And yet I’ve always hesitated so much, afraid you might… you might turn me away. Afraid a third-year like you was way above someone… someone like me.”

As Maki’s voice began to quiver, and quake, Nico could feel something in her stirring again, like her heart was slowly awakening from its paralyzing slumber. A small peep poking out a piece of the eggshell, a small sprout pushing aside a grain of sand. That something began working its way up from her heart to her throat, and lodged itself there, a feeling Nico couldn’t seem to get rid of.

“I’ve been so… I’ve been so dumb, all this time, hesitating and holding back like this… when I really should have been more open. When I really should have welcomed your playful affections, when I really should have reciprocated, and yet all I was doing was just… remaining aloof, acting disinterested, or sometimes downright mean. I really should have been better to you, Nico. I’m so sorry. I… I care for you so much, I want so much to be with you, and yet all I’ve been doing is leave you feeling alone, trapped. I’m so, so sorry, Nico…”

At this point, Maki had began sniffling, and sobbing, her voice muffled as she buried her face into Nico’s shoulder. Nico hated this. She could feel her own tears welling up, and her heart aching once again, even though she had done so much to numb it, to put it to sleep. Her throat tight, her breathing fast and shallow. She hated Maki so much for this, she wished Maki would just let her go so she could jump already. How could she believe a single word of what she was saying? Why couldn’t she believe a single word of what she was saying? Nico cursed bitterly at herself, wishing she could will herself to listen, and to feel.

“I really, really do love you so much, Nico… I really should have been more aware… I mean, you… mn, it wasn’t like I didn’t know that you were… having a really hard time in your relationship… hic! I sh-should have been more proactive, I should have… nngh, taken the initiative to talk to you, to support you, to… to c-care for you, even if you were in a relationship already. I’m just… I’m so awful, Nico. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Maki-chan.” Nico’s raspy voice seemed to have calm Maki’s sobbing down for just a moment, just enough for the girl to hear her barely audible voice. “I… it’s not your fault.”

“Even if you s-say that, Nico, I can’t help it, I have been so… ugh, mmn, I should have…” Maki held herself back from continuously berating herself through her tears and hiccups. This wasn’t about her. “Nico, y-you’re not… please, don’t jump. Please tell me you’re not going to jump. I don’t know… I don’t know what I would do without you, Nico. You’re… you’re the only one who ever… who ever really brought me… who made me feel so, so unbelievably happy. I know I haven’t… haven’t been acting like it, but I… Nico, you’re always the one I looked forward to the… the most, every morning I wake up, every morning I come to school. Just… just seeing you was enough to… make me feel better, I don’t… mnh, I don’t know what I’d do without you, Nico. I don’t want to be alone, please, don’t leave…”

“...I’m… I’m not going to.” Nico sniffled, her raspy voice broken by her tears. At this point there was no way she could hold back anymore. Hearing everything Maki was telling her… every word was squeezing out another tear, every moment was goading her grief. Slowly, she raised her arms up, and held Maki’s hands in her own, and said softly, “Maki-chan, you… I… mmn, please stay with me like this for a while. Please keep me company.”

“I-I will, Nico. I’m not going anywhere. I… I honestly doubt I could just magically change things around, but I don’t… I’m not going to leave you when you feel like this, Nico. I want to be here for you, always. You… you mean too much to me, Nico.”

They remained like this for a while, calming each other down from their crying, wiping each other’s tears, holding each other in their embrace. Nico knew that her sadness and regret was never going to leave her, that the scars of dysphoria was always going to be with her. But in this moment, she would much rather be in Maki’s arms, and thinking about no one else but her.


End file.
